Author: Mandy-Leigh
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I have been thinking about getting pregnant again a lot these days. After losing my first baby at nine weeks I was devastated but wanted to start trying again straight away. We did and I go pregnant again within the first cycle after my D&C. We got the BFP on 1 September and we were overjoyed. The pregnancy was complicated with many bleeds and many days spent lying in hospital. The people at work were getting annoyed at the amount of sick leave I was taking. After the first 16 weeks things started to get better. I could move around and drive myself to work. The baby was growing nicely, the tripple tests came back normal and we were starting to look forward to meeting our little girl. I was getting very swollen and none of my shoes fit anymore. It was December and the temperatures went up to 38 degrees. I was very uncomfortable and complained about it a lot. I wanted the pregnancy to go faster so I could be over and done with it. At the 22 week scan our girl weighed 360 grams. At the end of week 23 I started to relax a bit because I considered her to be viable. In the 24th week I went into pre-term labour. I got hectic contractions and sat in our bath crying hysterically before we went to hospital. I couldn’t move and my body was aching all over. When we got to the hospital they tried to listen to the heartbeat with a doppler. The nurse casually informed me that there was no heartbeat and that my baby was dead. I look her in the eye and said to her that I could still feel the baby move. The called my doctor and he did a scan. It was bad news. She was not viable and would die soon after birth. She weighed 500 grams according to the scan. I had to deliver her vaginally and I cried like I have never cried before in my entire life as I gave the final push. She was lifeless. My husband cut the cord and tears welled up in his eyes.My mom was also present and she was my rock throughout the delivery. They gave me morphine, took me to theatre and then cleaned her up. They showed her to my parents and to my husband after bathing her and they stood there crying while looking at her lifeless body. After I woke up they brought her to me. She was beautiful. She looked so at peace and she was such a pretty and delicate little being. Perfect in every way. It’s a picture that is stuck in my mind forever. So getting pregnant again is a huge thing for me. I want a baby desperately but I want the same baby. I want that baby that I held in my arms that day. I want her back. Maybe I am not ready yet, maybe I am holding on too tight. I don’t know. Hopefully the next pregnancy will be different. Different in every possible way.